Steph's Here

The nights are getting better but they are still hard times for me.  I am not able to sleep for more than an hour at a time.  I continue to derive comfort from the memory of my parents.  Early this morning I was hurting so baldy.  I was at a loss for what to do.  A while later I woke up and I felt that Mom and Dad had been reading me a story.  They told me "We are going to have to go now but you are going to be alright."  After this I slept well and had a peaceful morning.

My mother would have been 91 years old today.  I am reminded of what a compassionate person she was.   I believe that she found joy in helping others and would often spend time with those who others seemed to not place a priority on serving.

My oldest daughter Stephanie came today to help me out for a little over a week.  She has been so helpful today.  We have had so much fun with her.  We took another walk today and the weather was much easier to enjoy as it was much warmer.  What a beautiful day.

Thanks again for all your support.  This blog has been such a blessing to me.  Please feel free to pass along the blog address to anyone who asks about my progress.  Thanks again for your comments.

Enjoying Nature

I have been having a lot of back pain the last day or so.  This made for a very long night for me.  Between learning my medicine schedule and the time it takes me to get out of bed to go to the bathroom I got little sleep.  I was able to take comfort in the knowledge that I would be able to shower in the morning.  That would be my first shower since my surgery.

This morning before my shower I was able to finally remove many of the dressings from my surgery.  I'm going to have some amazing scars.  I'll never look the same in a swim suit but I'm so glad to have had this surgery.  The shower felt amazing.  I didn't want to get out of the hot water which felt so good on my back.  It sure beats a sponge bath!

The rehabilitation highlight of the day was that I was able to go for a walk with Troy and his dog.  Despite it being 35 degrees it was exhilarating to walk for 30 minutes.  I was happy to dodge ice patches on the sidewalk and feel the wind on my face after being inside for 10 days.  What a blessing nature is!

Thanks for your support.  The kind, supportive words in your comments once again brought me to tears today.

HUGE NEWS!

We got a call from our surgeon early this afternoon.  He told us that they had gotten all of the cancer and that it had not spread from the site that they removed.  What a relief!  As Steve was telling me I kept waiting for the "but" or the bad news.  It never came.  I hugged Steve and started crying.

I slept better last night.  We made a medicine schedule for the night and stuck to it.  It wasn't perfect but was a big improvement.  Both Steve and I got more sleep than we have had in some time.

I wanted to introduce you to my constant companion (not named Steve) through this ordeal.

This is my Joey.  It is a backpack with a container of high calorie liquid connected to a tube that runs inside my jejunum and feeds me around the clock.  Nutrition is a big part of my recovery at this time so it is important that I get enough calories.  Otherwise, I am allowed only a fat-free, clear liquid diet.  I miss chewing!

Today my Dad would have been 98 years old.  I have felt his and my mother's spirit with me throughout thus ordeal.  It has become a part of my bedtime ritual to put my parent's photo near my bed.  They give me great comfort.

I am so grateful for your prayers, your love, and the supportive comments that you have offered during the last week.  I also want to recognize Steve for the countless things he has done to help me.  I am also grateful for my children's support.

Home Now

This morning when I met with my surgeon I told him I was feeling much better.  I  slept well last night.  He responded by giving me two thumbs up!  He thinks I am making very good progress.  For any of you wondering we have not yet gotten the results back from pathology but should find out in the next few days.

I was released this afternoon.  It's great to be home even though I still have a long way to go.  I had concerns about getting up and down the stairs but so far it is going well.  I'm excited to catch up with my DVR.  I'm also excited to be in my own bed and away from the hospital bed!

Tubeless

I had a rough night last night. I wasn't able to get my pain medicine until after midnight so I was in so much pain I was not able to fall asleep. It was a frustrating night for both me and Steve and we are both tired today.

This morning I was in a lot of pain and was wanting to manage my pain with medicine but I needed to wait until the surgeon came to speak with us because the medicine makes me very tired.  I had to wait about an hour until he came with a sharp pain in the top of my shoulder.  I put three pictures at the foot of my bed to remind me who loves me.

Steve put spiritual music on in the room and held my hand until the surgeon came. I have had a hard time connecting with this surgeon because he is a more stern man and when he came in he was very kind and asked about the family. I was happy to feel this soft spot in him.

The resident came to take out the chest tubes this morning. She told Steve how to hold me and I wrapped my arms around him. I had to hold him and hum. She pulled them out one at a time. It was a bizarre feeling to have them removed as I could feel the ripples of the tubes as they came out. They looked like a white tube inserted eight inches in my back. The nurses liken them to garden hoses.  It's been so nice today because the pain has been reduced and I no longer have to worry about carrying around the drainage containers.

The doctor thinks I will probably get to go home tomorrow.  That's such exciting news.  It has been so much easier to walk without the chest tubes. Things are really looking up!

More Pain but Eating Too

Yesterday was a struggle to get the right medicine that will treat my pain.  Last night was a very long and difficult night because of the pain.  However, beginning this morning the doctors have prescribed some different medicines that have helped relieve some of the pain.  While this was great for the morning, this afternoon as I am writing this the sever pain has returned.  

I have found comfort through prayer and have felt the love that the savior has for me.  I am reminded of the paintings of Greg Olsen.  This is one of my favorites:

I was able to eat some soup today.  It's so much better to eat than to be fed by the tube! Thanks for all of your kindness and support.  

More of the Same

While all my doctors and nurses say I'm doing well I still feel like I've been run over by a train.  We are continuing to try to control the pain with walking and medication but there is still a lot of pain.

On a positive note I was allowed to begin eating some clear liquids.  Chicken broth and apple juice tasted good.  It was so nice to drink the chicken broth because it was hot.  I would love a mug of peppermint tea.  The last few nurses have been really good.  I enjoy talking with the nurses and hearing about their lives and families.  For example, the nurse last night mentioned that she lived with her sister and her sister's dog.  Her sister has cancer and the dog has cared for the sister.  He apparently is a big brute with a soft spot for this lucky lady.

I really appreciate your love and support.  A half an hour ago I was crying because of the pain but writing this has helped me feel better.

Pain and Progress

Last night was really hard for me. I was in a lot of pain but was reluctant to take pain medicine because I'm concerned about its effect on my stomach. I finally gave in about 3:00 AM and took pain medicine and was able to sleep a little bit. I also had a very painful coughing fit. It lasted about a minute and ended with me coughing up some phlegm which scared me but my surgeon said that was actually a good thing.

On a more positive note, I got the tube out of my nose this morning. It feels so good to have it out. I think that as each of these things comes out of me I'm going to feel a little bit more like myself.  

I'm getting a reputation around here as the lady who walks a lot. I like to try to walk a little bit longer each time than I did the last time. Yesterday I walked about 7 times for over 20 minutes each time.  I even brought my running shoes so I can lace them up and take this seriously!  

Another good thing is that (finally) ground is being broken on our new house today. It's been a long process to plan and get all the permits. It's nice to know that they are starting work on it. 

I'm in a lot of pain today. I am using the pain medicine which helps some.  I was also able to take a liquid medicine by mouth: the first thing I've eaten or drank since the surgery. It's stayed down so it looks like my surgeons knew what they were doing!  

So you can see the progress I'm making I am going to post a picture of me after my surgery on Monday:

Here I am today:

I can't read much because the pain medicine makes my mind fuzzy. I would LOVE it if any of you would pass on any inspirational quotes in the comments. Thanks so much for your kind words yesterday. I'm often brought to tears reading your supportive words at this difficult time. 

Rough Time

I feel awful today.  I am in a ton of pain. The medicine helps some but I have other pain that the medicine does not help.  I am discouraged when  I see all the different tubes going in and out of me. I just hurt and don't feel like myself.

I'm scared that my stomach is acting up again. It hurts and I'm fearful that it will complicate this surgical recovery and I will be forced to stay longer in the hospital.

On a good note, my nurses have been very good today. Yesterday, I had a hard time with my nurse and the kindness of the nurses today has made such a difference.  Steve is my rock. He held my hand because I was in so much pain from 3:30 AM on while sitting in the chair next to me. I know he wasn't able to sleep and I don't know what I'd do without him.

I have been told to exercise my lungs by blowing and sucking into different instruments.  I have to blow into this about 30 times an hour:

I also have to suck into this:

The blue base rises the harder I suck and I am given a different goal for each day.   As you can see I am at about 700 for today.  This instrument is far more difficult for me than the other one. 

My surgeons come in every morning and they all say I am doing well. I am working hard but am very discouraged right now. I love reading your comments and your support gives me strength during this difficult time.

Thanks for all of your kindness in sending me cards and offering to help with meals for Steve and Troy.

Walking Now

I walked four different times yesterday. I worked my way up from a couple of steps to two full laps around the wing on the fourth time. I'm in my own room now. It is room 262. Unfortunately, it doesn't have a bed for Steve. The poor guy is sleeping in a chair; injured back back and all!  ***Update:  Our dear friend, Bishop Burton was able to get us a much better room at the end of the hall that will be bigger and MUCH quieter. He has been such an asset through all of this!

I got flowers from Steve's brothers and sisters and from my brothers and sisters. They are beautiful and their smell brightens up my room.  Thank you so much!

I didn't sleep well last night. I only got about 3 1/2 hours. I did a swallow test early this morning. The doctors needed to make sure that my new esopgagus works. I had to swallow some contrast. I was very concerned about doing this because I haven't been eating anything by mouth. There was a misunderstanding and I thought I had to drink 32 ounces of contrast. I was crying because I didn't think I could do so. In reality I only had to drink four swallows of the contrast. The doctors were encouraged by what they saw but my surgeons need to look at the test.

I was able to wash my hair with the help of the nurse. This felt so good to me. Troy blow dried my hair and the warm air felt very good to me.  I put a lot of spiritual music on my iPod and it has been good to play it (she seriously had us drag a Bose speaker in here so she could blast Hillary Weeks and the Tabernacle Choir).  Thanks for all your support.

Feeling Grateful

I'm in a lot of pain right now and I'm having a hard time talking but I want to communicate that I feel like the first step in me feeling better has been all the love and support I have felt from all of your comments on this blog.  I would not be doing this well without your support. Here are a couple of stories about the last few hours.

I got the breathing tube removed at about 4:30am. The nurse was amazed at my resolve in the removal process saying that most people fight it or scream.  After it was out she asked why I didn't fight it. I said "Well it hurt but I knew it had to come out."

My hands were tied down for most of the morning. Steve was holding my hand and while the breathing tube was in I could not talk. My face was itching and I could not scratch it. Through nodding I was able to communicate that I wanted him to scratch that itch and how much I appreciated it. I'm so grateful for him in this process.

It's amazing to me what human touch can do. Steve holding my hand has meant the world to me. It reminds me of Yvonne when Mom was sick that she would insist on rubbing Mom's feet and shoulders and how Yvonne would comment that she thought it was important. Mom would say how good that made her feel. I agree completely.

I'm in the ICU and will be moved to my room in the next couple of hours. I am sucking on ice chips (I'm so thirsty) and working on exercising my lungs by sucking and blowing.  I'm also currently getting by first tube feeding. Nutrition is going to be key in my recovery.

I feel the overwhelming love that Heavenly Father has for me.

Finished with Surgery

The surgeons were able to remove the tumor and Steve says "They are very proud of themselves."  Marilynn will spend a couple more hours in surgery and then be moved into the ICU for the rest of the night.  They will keep her under anesthesia until about 2:00 AM and then let her wake up.  After that she will be moved into her own room.  Thanks for all your prayers.

The Day Before Surgery

Today I have turned a corner.  Whereas in the past weeks I have been scared and feeling ill, today I feel calm and focused on the task at hand.  I am so grateful for the countless prayers that have gone up for me.  Through these, and your phone calls, emails and our talks I can feel Heavenly Father's arms surrounding me.  I can feel Mom and Dad close to me.  I am grateful for the team of doctors that I have.   

I am so grateful for Steve and for the love and around the clock care that he gives me.  The comfort I feel now is akin to being held in my mother's arms during a difficult day.  

I am scared.  I am scared to hurt.  I am scared of the rehabilitation.  That said, I know I can do hard things.  I feel that, throughout my life, I have had to work harder for things than others.  It is this determination that will serve me well and will help me beat cancer.  

I will continue to update this blog (with the help of my family) to let you know of my progress going forward.  I love you all,